There is a lot being said these days about “picking your own family.” It’s a concept I support. We all NEED nurturing people in our lives to fulfill the parental role in order to thrive and grow… and they certainly do not have to be biologically connected.
However, there is a disheartening trend of this concept that seems to be gaining momentum. Gaining momentum is not the right phrase – “gaining acceptance” is a better way to describe it. That trend is cutting off all connection to family members, because of a fight or because something was said or done that wasn't liked.
Now before you start tossing tomatoes at my head… please understand – in my own experience I lost a parent as a young child, was raised by extended family for seasons of my life; my living parent was neglectful, and I had an emotionally and physically abusive stepparent. So, I’m not living in fantasy land or being Pollyanna about this subject.
In general people/relationships are becoming far too disposable. In the grand old days the extended family all lived under one roof or at least in the same town. The 60’s shifted focus to the nuclear family. Today the traditional family is practically extinct. “Family” has been completely redefined.
It’s becoming fashionable to disconnect from your parents or your children. Years ago I remember that Meg Ryan seemed to be the first major celebrity to talk openly about her refusal to speak to her mother, no matter the attempts her mother made to reconcile. Allegedly her mother spoke out about something in Meg's personal life... that was in fact true. Today, it’s so common for people to be “estranged” from a parent/child.
Obviously, there are many ways in which families are damaged and torn apart. Some relationships can never be and should never be repaired. But, I’m talking about relationships that were previously close and intimate, that are now broken because of some offense – not abuse or abandonment. How can this be? How can the most foundational relationship of our lives be tossed aside over a disagreement??
What happened to the parent being the parent and loving your child unconditionally? What happened to the child respecting their parent? What happened to putting the welfare of another before your own? What happened to taking responsibility for your actions? (Even if the other person is 95% in the wrong – we're still responsible for our own 5%.) What happened accepting the limitations in others? What happened to compassion? What happened to mercy? What happened to forgiveness? We are all wounded, fallen individuals. No one is perfect. We all make life-changing mistakes. How can we forgive a friend or other relative an offense, but not forgive a parent or a child a similar offense? It’s amazing that we can hold some up to a higher standard that often, we can’t even hold ourselves.
I know from personal experience that there can be forgiveness… even when you can’t forget.
It took years and hard work to restore the relationship with my neglectful parent and with my abusive stepparent. But, I chose to work at it because they are critical pieces of my life puzzle. They shaped who I am today. It is my belief that God, in His perfect wisdom, allowed these specific individuals to be my parents, and as such, there is a specific need in me that only they can fill. They are an extension of me. Granted, I had years of wondering if God had a screw loose… but I understand better now than I did then. For me, they are God’s best choice – even if at times, they made bad choices for me.
What happened to me as a child hasn't been forgotten. By forgiving I do not condone or erase their actions. I was forever changed. I may suffer the consequences of some of their actions for the rest of my life. However, I can see now, that they did the best they could within the limits of their circumstances and their own baggage. Healing has come through forgiveness. The relationships aren't what they “could have been” and aren't what I may have pictured in my mind, but they are good now and in some ways far more precious. My life is better and more at peace with them in it. I love them and they love me, we enjoy each others company, we regularly keep in touch. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am blessed.
The bottom line is, yes, by all means, “pick” your family. But if it’s within your power, don’t forget the importance of and the connection with those biologically related to you. Remember, even those you “pick” will disappoint and hurt you… nobody is perfect. We ALL deserve forgiveness - even if we can’t forget.
In Ephesians 6:1-9 the Bible says this about children and parents:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord [as His representatives], for this is just and right. 2 Honor (esteem and value as precious) your father and your mother--this is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 THAT ALL MAY BE WELL WITH YOU AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH. 4 Fathers (and mothers), do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. (Amplified Version)
And a good reminder for ALL our relationships – those close and not so close, as well as those we don't even know: 1 Corinthian’s 13:4-8a
4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. (Amplified Version)
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