Picking Your Family

There is a lot being said these days about “picking your own family.” It’s a concept I support. We all NEED nurturing people in our lives to fulfill the parental role in order to thrive and grow… and they certainly do not have to be biologically connected.

However, there is a disheartening trend of this concept that seems to be gaining momentum. Gaining momentum is not the right phrase – “gaining acceptance” is a better way to describe it. That trend is cutting off all connection to family members, because of a fight or because something was said or done that wasn't liked.

Now before you start tossing tomatoes at my head… please understand – in my own experience I lost a parent as a young child, was raised by extended family for seasons of my life; my living parent was neglectful, and I had an emotionally and physically abusive stepparent. So, I’m not living in fantasy land or being Pollyanna about this subject.

In general people/relationships are becoming far too disposable. In the grand old days the extended family all lived under one roof or at least in the same town. The 60’s shifted focus to the nuclear family. Today the traditional family is practically extinct. “Family” has been completely redefined.

It’s becoming fashionable to disconnect from your parents or your children. Years ago I remember that Meg Ryan seemed to be the first major celebrity to talk openly about her refusal to speak to her mother, no matter the attempts her mother made to reconcile. Allegedly her mother spoke out about something in Meg's personal life... that was in fact true. Today, it’s so common for people to be “estranged” from a parent/child.

Obviously, there are many ways in which families are damaged and torn apart. Some relationships can never be and should never be repaired. But, I’m talking about relationships that were previously close and intimate, that are now broken because of some offense – not abuse or abandonment. How can this be? How can the most foundational relationship of our lives be tossed aside over a disagreement??

What happened to the parent being the parent and loving your child unconditionally? What happened to the child respecting their parent? What happened to putting the welfare of another before your own? What happened to taking responsibility for your actions? (Even if the other person is 95% in the wrong – we're still responsible for our own 5%.) What happened accepting the limitations in others? What happened to compassion? What happened to mercy? What happened to forgiveness? We are all wounded, fallen individuals. No one is perfect. We all make life-changing mistakes. How can we forgive a friend or other relative an offense, but not forgive a parent or a child a similar offense? It’s amazing that we can hold some up to a higher standard that often, we can’t even hold ourselves.

I know from personal experience that there can be forgiveness… even when you can’t forget.

It took years and hard work to restore the relationship with my neglectful parent and with my abusive stepparent. But, I chose to work at it because they are critical pieces of my life puzzle. They shaped who I am today. It is my belief that God, in His perfect wisdom, allowed these specific individuals to be my parents, and as such, there is a specific need in me that only they can fill. They are an extension of me. Granted, I had years of wondering if God had a screw loose… but I understand better now than I did then. For me, they are God’s best choice – even if at times, they made bad choices for me.

What happened to me as a child hasn't been forgotten. By forgiving I do not condone or erase their actions. I was forever changed. I may suffer the consequences of some of their actions for the rest of my life. However, I can see now, that they did the best they could within the limits of their circumstances and their own baggage. Healing has come through forgiveness. The relationships aren't what they “could have been” and aren't what I may have pictured in my mind, but they are good now and in some ways far more precious. My life is better and more at peace with them in it. I love them and they love me, we enjoy each others company, we regularly keep in touch. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am blessed.

The bottom line is, yes, by all means, “pick” your family. But if it’s within your power, don’t forget the importance of and the connection with those biologically related to you. Remember, even those you “pick” will disappoint and hurt you… nobody is perfect. We ALL deserve forgiveness - even if we can’t forget.

In Ephesians 6:1-9 the Bible says this about children and parents:

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord [as His representatives], for this is just and right. 2 Honor (esteem and value as precious) your father and your mother--this is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 THAT ALL MAY BE WELL WITH YOU AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH. 4 Fathers (and mothers), do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. (Amplified Version)

And a good reminder for ALL our relationships – those close and not so close, as well as those we don't even know: 1 Corinthian’s 13:4-8a

4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. (Amplified Version)

Will it EVER get easier!?

[Cue laugh track & stadium full of people shouting in unison] “NO!! OF. COURSE. NOT!”

As an 40-something single woman, I have been at this life thing for so long on my own. I AM BONE TIRED! I want to be done. Not with life – but with all the striving. All the pushing and fighting and struggling and figuring everything out on my own. When will the day come for me to sit back and enjoy the rewards of my work? [again, cue riotous laughter of those older and wiser] I’m obviously not the first person to pose this question.

I know I sound like a whining single person – which I am – but it is tough having to handle life on my own. I’m sure there are plenty of married people out there who want to smack me and tell me I have it made. Of course, I have God, family and friends – thank goodness for them because it truly would be impossible. However, I’m an adult and for all intents and purposes, my life rests solely on my shoulders. The good, the bad and the ugly.

The sayings are true – “the grass is always greener on the other side” and “we always want what we don’t have.” It’s true too, that there will always be others in life that appear to have no struggles at all; who seem to glide through life getting everything they have ever dreamed of; to whom everything comes easy… Naturally the lesson is, nothing is ever what it appears. And we should never compare ourselves with others because no one person is like another – no one person has the exact same journey as another. Just as I may look, with resentment, to people I think have it easy – others are looking at me the same way. There will always be those with more and those with less.

The truth is the striving will NEVER cease this side of heaven. But, the hope of heaven sure helps lighten the burden when you’re going it alone. Some days that hope is the only thing causing one foot to move in front of the other. But oh, how deeply grateful I am to God for His provision of my family and friends to walk along side – helping and encouraging me throughout the journey.

I may be bone tired and may feel alone. But I’m not. We’re all in this together, we all need each other to carry the load, to cheer, to mourn, to rally with and move forward. If you’re feeling like me, look around you and reach out – someone will be there to help.

The Extinction of Relationship?

I was flipping through Family Circle magazine the other day and came across this ad for Lee Relaxed Fit jeans. “Jeans should not be restricting, that’s what relationships are for.” That was the slogan. I have to say I was a bit stunned – especially given it was in FAMILY magazine.

Due to our fallen nature we have certainly abandoned God’s original and intended design for relationships and family. I do understand having gone through 3 divorces as a child, that life happens… things don’t work out as we plan and we have no control over others actions. There are many reasons we give (some valid, some not) as to why the original design has been altered. Though personally I desire God’s intention, we are where we are and people are people. It’s not my job to condemn, it’s to love and care.

The 60’s sexual revolution jump started the systematic obliteration of His original design by American Media. It has inch by inch introduced us to the alternate models. But this ad is another thing entirely. To me this ad exhibits malicious intent. It clearly is saying relationships are restricting. We already believe “restrictions” are bad, so this then plants the seed in our mind that if relationships are restricting – then relationships are bad. Therefore relationships should be avoided at all costs. I could go on forever about how horrendous that is.

The messages began subliminally. (Divorce, single parents, gay/lesbian, co-habitation) Then they were out-in-the-open but subtle. The alternate models eventually became required. Don’t misunderstand me, I think everyone should be included and valued because we all make up the human race. However, instead of celebrating all models, the American Media has – for lack of a better term – attacked the original model of male/female relationships and the traditional family (Dad, mom & children).

Traditional parents have been degraded to buffoons who are to be ignored and laughed at or they are eliminated all together. Male/female relationships – although still the prevalent model – are basically exhibited as abusive, crazy, or only needed for sex, and in some cases now, are ridiculed and even thought of as abnormal.

This ad is a perfect example of the agenda by the Media to not only outright condemn the original design… but persuade us to believe that life is better and happier without it. When you fight through all the smoke and mirrors, all the “jokes” and fluff… the media is encouraging the notion that people do not need other people.

IT'S SCHIZOPHRENIC!! It breaks my heart, and quite frankly, pisses me off. Not only are we fighting messages about our own self image… now we have to fight for relationships!

The ideal woman, who is airbrushed and computer altered, fills every advertising venue; the actor on screen and in the tabloids - who’s every waking hour includes personal chefs, personal trainers, hair & makeup teams, stylists, doctors, Botox, veneers, cigarettes and in many cases drugs – is celebrated, to be desired and looked up to.

On the one hand we have Oprah, Dove, those very models and actors pontificating that we need to “just be ourselves – whatever that looks like.” As well as an overflowing amount of books, talk shows, TV shows, movements, even a Senator who insists “it takes a village” touting the message of community, togetherness, connecting, giving to others.

On the other hand we have all Media telling us relationships are bad (and if we don’t look like the model on the cover the magazine, we’re worthless). Not to mention, most of the above, say one thing, but live the opposite. In their personal lives, they are supporting, by example the Media’s message to abandon the traditional model of family and relationships.

In an earlier blog, I talked about the Harlow study, “Love in Infant Monkeys”. Without other people around us – we will develop disturbing and abnormal behaviors. The bottom line, people, is DON’T LISTEN TO THE LIES! God knew what He was doing when He created the original model. Relationships are GOOD.

Lee Jeans…you are lying! Relationships are NOT restrictive!! Relationship bring safety and nourishment to thrive!!