Vimrod 5287

Over 40 & Single. WHY?

For as long as I can remember, my heart’s desire is to be married. I’m now slightly over 40… and… single. WHY?!!

For over 20 years I’ve been asking that question. Screaming that question. In my bed at night. On my knees. From the mountain tops & valleys. Through anger. Through tears. I’ve discussed the issue with family & friends; with mentors & wise counsel; with co-workers and even strangers. Everyone has advice - a thought, a prayer, a suggestion on “how to get out there,” and always an encouraging word.

The very sad reality is I am not alone. Of my own small group of friends, EIGHT of them are intelligent, attractive, capable, loving, funny, giving, active Christian women who are over 35 and want to be married. Along with me, these women can’t even get a date! Sure we all have our baggage, but so does everyone else on the planet. Why are so many of us still unmarried?

We’ve all gone through the “Single-Gal-Phases” many times over: The Pathetic Desperate Phase: where we do everything, including wearing a sign on our foreheads. The Completely Unapproachable Phase: where we’re truly not interested in a relationship and love being single. The Learning-to-Love-Ourselves-So-We-Can-Love-Others Phase: where we work on getting rid of our baggage, so we’ll be the best partner to our future husband. The Confident & Flirty Phase. The I’m-A-Troll-No-One-Would-Want-Me Phase. We've read all the books. We’ve tried church, clubs, activities, conferences, retreats, volunteering, and online dating. As a result we’ve also gone through the 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). And yet... we are still alone.

My desire for children is gone, so I know that if God was truly calling me to be single, He would remove the desire for a husband too. Believe you me; I’ve been begging Him for years to do so. One friend of mine knew from the moment she accepted Christ into her heart, she was to be single and has never had even a shadow of doubt for the past 40 years. God is not cruel, He is not purposely withholding His plan from us. He tells us in His word that, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12) He wants the best for me.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about this from a spiritual perspective. The Bible is clear from Genesis to Revelation - God calls us to relationship. Relationship with Him, with others and with a spouse. He designed His entire creation to be in marriage with one another. Women would not have even been created if He thought Adam was perfect alone. And He didn’t create another man to be Adam’s buddy, He created Eve to be his mate. Sure, there are a few specific exceptions to the rule. Paul was single– and he made a very legitimate argument for remaining single. However, SINGLENESS IS THE EXCEPTION NOT THE RULE.

So if being single is NOT normal; not God’s intended design then why are so many Christians single? Here’s a radical thought…

More and more people are single because of the enemy of our souls!

Satan is our enemy. Everything God created and put in to place – he has the opposite version – the “anti” version. He’s anti-Christ… He’s anti-life; anti-morals; anti-freedom; anti-family… and he’s anti-marriage. As Christians, the battle for our souls is lost, we belong to Christ. So what does he do instead? He prowls around crushing our dreams, keeping us dissatisfied and disappointed in life and God… rendering us ineffective.

In America and all over the world we are bombarded constantly to remain single! As women, we’ve come to believe that men really serve no purpose for us. We can take care of ourselves – we can make money; we can be powerful and self-sufficient; we can be the heads of our own households; we can have sex with no strings; we can even have children without a man. GO GIRL POWER! And if we actually want a relationship – we certainly don’t need to get married!!! As a matter of fact, marriage ruins relationships! Women lose their power in relationships so being single is the ideal! Besides, monogamy isn’t natural. And I’m just talking about the Christian community!

Bad things happen to good people because we live in a fallen world. Matthew 5:45b says “for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Although, I am a single woman over 40 and long to be married, the reality is I may never get married because of the enemy’s successful destruction of what God intended.

This realization helps me understand why I’m single, but it doesn’t bring peace… it pisses me off! As Christians, we have let the enemy infiltrate our own thinking. We have not paid attention. We have not fought the good fight in this area. We have allowed ourselves to be deceived and as a result overtaken. We have not been good stewards of the gifts God gave us. And because of this, my precious friends and I are collateral damage.

Dear Lord, wake us up from our slumber. Cause us to burn with righteous anger and fight against what You did not design. Times are only getting worse, so help us fortify your body, to change things for the next generation so they will be stronger and better protected. And if it be your will, fulfill the desires of our hearts, even still. Amen

Who Matters?

Got this email "reminder" today from a good friend... It's spot on.

There comes a point in your life when you realize -

who matters...

who never did...

who won't anymore...

and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past -

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Take the time today to acknowledge everyone you don't want to lose

with a note, a call, a hug, even spend time if possible…

...
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle in their own life, too.

Lonely River

Lonely river
You meander like a road

Stretching out into the great unknown

With solitary movement

You're compelled and you're enthralled

As though you're answering a distant call

Lonely river

Is there a place you're running to

Or is it something that you're running from

Is it hope that keeps you going

Is it faith that makes you strong

Lonely river, lonely river, running on

Lonely river

In the stillness of the night

Your restless nature keeps you raging on

Changing courses

Shallow waters, tangent streams

Lonely river, do you wonder what it means

Lonely river

I think I am a lot like you

Winding on in hopes to find the sea

And flooded by uncertainties

The current can be strong

But drifting towards our destinies

The arm of God is long

And I believe that through this journey

'Til we're finally home

Lonely river

We will never run alone

Written/Composed by: Wayne Kirkpatrick, Michael W. Smith

Vimrod 5-7-08

Obama? McCain? Who knows? (REVISED)

November 5th will change the course of our future in this country.

Before I begin, I must confess, that shamefully, I am a completely irresponsible citizen. I don’t pay attention to politics, I only vote in presidential elections and even then tend to vote conservative because, I don’t bother to find out what the candidates stand for. In all honesty, I’m overwhelmed by politics. It’s so ugly and self-serving that I'm ticked off more than encouraged to learn or participate. Sad, disgraceful, ungrateful, unpatriotic and self-centered of me, I know. Obama/McCain – who am I supposed to support?

Whether we like them or we don’t… it takes a person with far bigger cojones, stamina and thick skin to run for President (much less make it to office) than ANY of us have, who bitch & moan about them. Apart from the actual job of dealing with national and world issues - they have to endure worldwide ridicule, scrutiny, slander, ripping to shreds, verbal castration and more every waking moment of every day. Not to mention having to work with the members of Congress. No matter who you are – as President – you will have a huge group of people who absolutely hate your guts and would prefer you were shot. Talk about the epitome of “can’t please all of the people all of the time.” No wonder every President ages 100 years while in office.

What an amazing country! We are free to yell, protest, lobby and even work to affect the change we want. We get to VOTE for the people we want to represent us. How sad that year after year a large percentage of people do not vote, and yet feel entitled to complain. I’m sick to death of people who are so adamantly disrespectful and rude. People who spew hatred all over everyone they encounter everywhere they go… who claim “XX is not MY President.” If you feel that strongly about something then get off your butt and run for office and see if YOU get elected!! I believe things would go a lot more smoothly and we’d actually get some good things accomplished if we’d all just SHUT UP, roll up our sleeves and try to work together.

When 9/11 happened and Katrina hit New Orleans, everyone jumped in to help - Democrats/Republicans, atheists/ believers, black/white, rich/poor – and are still helping. Stuff simply needed to get done – from picking up trash and schlepping through human waste to rebuilding and planning for the future. It’s back-breaking work that will continue for years to come. There are times of huge advancement and due to mistakes, times of regression. But it somehow gets done and it will get done – no matter how long it takes, because everyday people from all walks of life are committed.

The same principles apply to government. Sure, we may not like who gets voted to be Captain of the Team. However, once elected, he/she is running the show. We need to just do the work together. We need to figure out how to make stuff happen – starting with schlepping through the excrement and working up to planning for the future. Slinging blame keeps us spinning in circles.

With a strong solid foundation, any architect can build any style home. It can be remodeled or torn down and something completely new can be built in its place. That is beauty of what our Founding Fathers (Divinely led) established for us. They built a solid foundation. Part of that foundation was the wisdom to only allow an architect 8 years max to create. Obviously, some houses are far better built than others.

You many be thinking I'm naive or simple-minded; that I'm not considering the seriousness of our issues and maybe I am. However, I am well aware that there are fundamental moral issues that will NEVER be resolved. For the follower of Christ, there are some that we can NEVER compromise on. I understand too, that no matter what anyone says, a person's moral and foundational beliefs will ALWAYS affect their approach to everything in life.

I'm talking of the "other" things... the practical, house-cleaning things. When you clear away the arrogant need to be right, all the pomp & circumstance – I think tackling some of our problems is as simple as “just doing it” and playing nice in the sandbox. (revised)

For the first time, I actually watched something political – the Saddleback Church Civil Forum. Up to that telecast, I’ve not paid attention to a single speech or interview. Again, ignorant and irresponsible of me, I know. I was extremely skeptical and afraid that, as usual, tough questions would not be asked, issues would be glossed over, and as a Christian – core concerns would not be presented. I was pleasantly surprised. Rick Warren did an excellent job. I felt Rick and the candidates too, were gracious and candid; there wasn’t too much agenda pushing. (They ARE politicians, after all.) The candidates are very different, but I was extremely impressed with both of them.

I’m still uncertain of whom to vote for, but after watching the Civil Forum, I feel motivated to buckle down and pay attention in the coming months so that I can feel truly confident and proud to exercise my right to VOTE in November.

No matter the outcome - my prayer is that all of us, who call America home, can lower out pointing fingers and screaming voices and realize that at our core, WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM - TEAM USA - we all want this country to be a great place to live and we want it to function well. The beauty and blessing of this country is our freedom to have opposite opinions, beliefs and ways of doing things. We need to stop screaming at each other long enough to see what things we CAN tackle together and just do it! There will always be "believers" and "non-believers" this side of heaven. And so, we need each other and our opposing views to create something amazing and unique - when, where and as much as we can... for the good of this country. (revised)

Bottom line – no matter the fear or confidence; helplessness or motivation to act; anger or peace you feel… whatever emotions this pending election stirs up in you… pay attention, learn about what issues are important to you and whether Obama or McCain best represent those issues.

Then come November 5^th… GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!!

Picking Your Family

There is a lot being said these days about “picking your own family.” It’s a concept I support. We all NEED nurturing people in our lives to fulfill the parental role in order to thrive and grow… and they certainly do not have to be biologically connected.

However, there is a disheartening trend of this concept that seems to be gaining momentum. Gaining momentum is not the right phrase – “gaining acceptance” is a better way to describe it. That trend is cutting off all connection to family members, because of a fight or because something was said or done that wasn't liked.

Now before you start tossing tomatoes at my head… please understand – in my own experience I lost a parent as a young child, was raised by extended family for seasons of my life; my living parent was neglectful, and I had an emotionally and physically abusive stepparent. So, I’m not living in fantasy land or being Pollyanna about this subject.

In general people/relationships are becoming far too disposable. In the grand old days the extended family all lived under one roof or at least in the same town. The 60’s shifted focus to the nuclear family. Today the traditional family is practically extinct. “Family” has been completely redefined.

It’s becoming fashionable to disconnect from your parents or your children. Years ago I remember that Meg Ryan seemed to be the first major celebrity to talk openly about her refusal to speak to her mother, no matter the attempts her mother made to reconcile. Allegedly her mother spoke out about something in Meg's personal life... that was in fact true. Today, it’s so common for people to be “estranged” from a parent/child.

Obviously, there are many ways in which families are damaged and torn apart. Some relationships can never be and should never be repaired. But, I’m talking about relationships that were previously close and intimate, that are now broken because of some offense – not abuse or abandonment. How can this be? How can the most foundational relationship of our lives be tossed aside over a disagreement??

What happened to the parent being the parent and loving your child unconditionally? What happened to the child respecting their parent? What happened to putting the welfare of another before your own? What happened to taking responsibility for your actions? (Even if the other person is 95% in the wrong – we're still responsible for our own 5%.) What happened accepting the limitations in others? What happened to compassion? What happened to mercy? What happened to forgiveness? We are all wounded, fallen individuals. No one is perfect. We all make life-changing mistakes. How can we forgive a friend or other relative an offense, but not forgive a parent or a child a similar offense? It’s amazing that we can hold some up to a higher standard that often, we can’t even hold ourselves.

I know from personal experience that there can be forgiveness… even when you can’t forget.

It took years and hard work to restore the relationship with my neglectful parent and with my abusive stepparent. But, I chose to work at it because they are critical pieces of my life puzzle. They shaped who I am today. It is my belief that God, in His perfect wisdom, allowed these specific individuals to be my parents, and as such, there is a specific need in me that only they can fill. They are an extension of me. Granted, I had years of wondering if God had a screw loose… but I understand better now than I did then. For me, they are God’s best choice – even if at times, they made bad choices for me.

What happened to me as a child hasn't been forgotten. By forgiving I do not condone or erase their actions. I was forever changed. I may suffer the consequences of some of their actions for the rest of my life. However, I can see now, that they did the best they could within the limits of their circumstances and their own baggage. Healing has come through forgiveness. The relationships aren't what they “could have been” and aren't what I may have pictured in my mind, but they are good now and in some ways far more precious. My life is better and more at peace with them in it. I love them and they love me, we enjoy each others company, we regularly keep in touch. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am blessed.

The bottom line is, yes, by all means, “pick” your family. But if it’s within your power, don’t forget the importance of and the connection with those biologically related to you. Remember, even those you “pick” will disappoint and hurt you… nobody is perfect. We ALL deserve forgiveness - even if we can’t forget.

In Ephesians 6:1-9 the Bible says this about children and parents:

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord [as His representatives], for this is just and right. 2 Honor (esteem and value as precious) your father and your mother--this is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 THAT ALL MAY BE WELL WITH YOU AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH. 4 Fathers (and mothers), do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. (Amplified Version)

And a good reminder for ALL our relationships – those close and not so close, as well as those we don't even know: 1 Corinthian’s 13:4-8a

4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. (Amplified Version)

Will it EVER get easier!?

[Cue laugh track & stadium full of people shouting in unison] “NO!! OF. COURSE. NOT!”

As an 40-something single woman, I have been at this life thing for so long on my own. I AM BONE TIRED! I want to be done. Not with life – but with all the striving. All the pushing and fighting and struggling and figuring everything out on my own. When will the day come for me to sit back and enjoy the rewards of my work? [again, cue riotous laughter of those older and wiser] I’m obviously not the first person to pose this question.

I know I sound like a whining single person – which I am – but it is tough having to handle life on my own. I’m sure there are plenty of married people out there who want to smack me and tell me I have it made. Of course, I have God, family and friends – thank goodness for them because it truly would be impossible. However, I’m an adult and for all intents and purposes, my life rests solely on my shoulders. The good, the bad and the ugly.

The sayings are true – “the grass is always greener on the other side” and “we always want what we don’t have.” It’s true too, that there will always be others in life that appear to have no struggles at all; who seem to glide through life getting everything they have ever dreamed of; to whom everything comes easy… Naturally the lesson is, nothing is ever what it appears. And we should never compare ourselves with others because no one person is like another – no one person has the exact same journey as another. Just as I may look, with resentment, to people I think have it easy – others are looking at me the same way. There will always be those with more and those with less.

The truth is the striving will NEVER cease this side of heaven. But, the hope of heaven sure helps lighten the burden when you’re going it alone. Some days that hope is the only thing causing one foot to move in front of the other. But oh, how deeply grateful I am to God for His provision of my family and friends to walk along side – helping and encouraging me throughout the journey.

I may be bone tired and may feel alone. But I’m not. We’re all in this together, we all need each other to carry the load, to cheer, to mourn, to rally with and move forward. If you’re feeling like me, look around you and reach out – someone will be there to help.

The Extinction of Relationship?

I was flipping through Family Circle magazine the other day and came across this ad for Lee Relaxed Fit jeans. “Jeans should not be restricting, that’s what relationships are for.” That was the slogan. I have to say I was a bit stunned – especially given it was in FAMILY magazine.

Due to our fallen nature we have certainly abandoned God’s original and intended design for relationships and family. I do understand having gone through 3 divorces as a child, that life happens… things don’t work out as we plan and we have no control over others actions. There are many reasons we give (some valid, some not) as to why the original design has been altered. Though personally I desire God’s intention, we are where we are and people are people. It’s not my job to condemn, it’s to love and care.

The 60’s sexual revolution jump started the systematic obliteration of His original design by American Media. It has inch by inch introduced us to the alternate models. But this ad is another thing entirely. To me this ad exhibits malicious intent. It clearly is saying relationships are restricting. We already believe “restrictions” are bad, so this then plants the seed in our mind that if relationships are restricting – then relationships are bad. Therefore relationships should be avoided at all costs. I could go on forever about how horrendous that is.

The messages began subliminally. (Divorce, single parents, gay/lesbian, co-habitation) Then they were out-in-the-open but subtle. The alternate models eventually became required. Don’t misunderstand me, I think everyone should be included and valued because we all make up the human race. However, instead of celebrating all models, the American Media has – for lack of a better term – attacked the original model of male/female relationships and the traditional family (Dad, mom & children).

Traditional parents have been degraded to buffoons who are to be ignored and laughed at or they are eliminated all together. Male/female relationships – although still the prevalent model – are basically exhibited as abusive, crazy, or only needed for sex, and in some cases now, are ridiculed and even thought of as abnormal.

This ad is a perfect example of the agenda by the Media to not only outright condemn the original design… but persuade us to believe that life is better and happier without it. When you fight through all the smoke and mirrors, all the “jokes” and fluff… the media is encouraging the notion that people do not need other people.

IT'S SCHIZOPHRENIC!! It breaks my heart, and quite frankly, pisses me off. Not only are we fighting messages about our own self image… now we have to fight for relationships!

The ideal woman, who is airbrushed and computer altered, fills every advertising venue; the actor on screen and in the tabloids - who’s every waking hour includes personal chefs, personal trainers, hair & makeup teams, stylists, doctors, Botox, veneers, cigarettes and in many cases drugs – is celebrated, to be desired and looked up to.

On the one hand we have Oprah, Dove, those very models and actors pontificating that we need to “just be ourselves – whatever that looks like.” As well as an overflowing amount of books, talk shows, TV shows, movements, even a Senator who insists “it takes a village” touting the message of community, togetherness, connecting, giving to others.

On the other hand we have all Media telling us relationships are bad (and if we don’t look like the model on the cover the magazine, we’re worthless). Not to mention, most of the above, say one thing, but live the opposite. In their personal lives, they are supporting, by example the Media’s message to abandon the traditional model of family and relationships.

In an earlier blog, I talked about the Harlow study, “Love in Infant Monkeys”. Without other people around us – we will develop disturbing and abnormal behaviors. The bottom line, people, is DON’T LISTEN TO THE LIES! God knew what He was doing when He created the original model. Relationships are GOOD.

Lee Jeans…you are lying! Relationships are NOT restrictive!! Relationship bring safety and nourishment to thrive!!

EARTHQUAKE!!

WOW! We had an earthquake on Tuesday!! By the end of the day it went from a 5.8 to a 5.4 and those in the know called it "moderate." But boy, did we feel it!

I've been in SoCal for 12 years and this was the second, but worst one I've experienced. Thank God, no damage - not even a toppled book or bottle during either. "They" all keep saying we're way overdue for the "Big One!" YIKES!!

It's a very weird feeling... not really a shaking like you'd think. Sometimes it's a rolling feeling - like balancing on a board on a ball. Tuesday felt more like being in a boat on really choppy water... rocking and bumping. A few people got motion sickness. It only lasts a matter of seconds but it feels much longer and you're left feeling unsettled for quiet awhile.

I don't want to think about the "Big One" coming. Of late it's been a heavy concern of mine, has put my nerves on edge. Certainly the devastation an earthquake causes is never wanted. Quite shallowly and selfishly though, I don't want the Big One to hit because I've finally, after all these years, gotten my apartment set up the way I want and I LOVE IT. I know we can't hold onto material things but at the same time you certainly don't want to loose everything you've worked so hard for. I know, I know... I'm being silly.

I realize nowhere is ever completely safe from natural disaster or other destruction. With tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, blizzards, tsunami's, landslides... even fires - we are all due at sometime. No one is immune as many across our country are well aware. My heart goes out to them. The heartache and the knowledge of all the work ahead to rebuild is overwhelming. It's been a tough season for America the past several years, weather wise.

These events remind us that this life is truly a vapor and our material things are barely a stitch on the tapestries of our lives. We need to keep our focus off ourselves and onto the bigger picture. (It is unfortunate that often times it takes devastation to get our attention.)

And yet... quiet often the best of human nature is exhibited during tough times. It does remind us of what is truly important. It does force us to step out of our own little world and think of others. True community and long lasting friendships are built from experiencing tragedy together. Kindness, care and concern for your neighbor is displayed. "Love In Action" is in full force! Good can be found in even the worst of circumstances... and you know, all the material things are easily replaced.