I know that feeling well. Have uttered those words repeatedly through my life and have heard it uttered by many others.
But I got to thinking... what an astronomically selfish statement:
“I have learned to care less.”
“I shouldn’t care so much.”
“I could care less.”
I am making no judgments about people, myself included, who have made this statement. On the one hand it seems rational and even appropriate in situations of hurt and betrayal or even unreciprocated care. It’s a very universal feeling and expression of the human experience.
Yet, that statement conjures up indifference, dismissal, judgment… even condemnation and unworthiness of/toward the other person. Often we are withholding ourselves from that person and exacting those feelings toward them without their knowledge. Worse even… if we say those words out loud – to the person – then they now carry the weight of our rejection. Even if we maintain relationship… that dismissal, that indifference remains a part of the dynamic.
On the other hand “to care about someone” by definition means displaying kindness toward, concern of or to make special preference for another; to be solicitous of; to have thought or regard for; to make provision or look out for.
Simply put… to care for someone is to love them. It requires action/interaction/presence. When we care, it means we have feelings that bind us to the other person. It means we want the best for them; we want them to be happy, to succeed and to not be in harm’s way or to fail. It also means we wouldn’t do anything intentionally to hurt or sabotage them. To love/care means taking a risk; stepping out on that limb. It means accepting that we may and will get hurt on occasion.
“Caring for” is about the other person – not about us. By saying "I should care less" we are saying that our priorities, our self-protection outweigh the relationship with the other person.
Don't get me wrong - there are circumstances in which the hurt/betrayal is a violation of ones being and continued contact or association is detrimental. You can care less of those monsters/abusers… those violators.
But I'm talking about in the very human, fallible course of all relationships. The Good Book says the commandment that surpasses the law, which surpasses all commandments, is to love your neighbor as yourself. In other words, we are to put others before ourselves. So as believers, when it comes right down to it, we have no right, no authority to care less. We're certainly not to be doormats, but we are to always care. We are to always put others first. We are to care with every fiber of our beings… regardless.
The flippant and angrily said words “I’ve learned, again, to care less” said by this beloved person, left me far more hurt and cut to the quick, then they felt by my action. Thank goodness, I know them well, their heart and intentions… my hurt was short lived. No harm, no foul.
