Picking Your Family

There is a lot being said these days about “picking your own family.” It’s a concept I support. We all NEED nurturing people in our lives to fulfill the parental role in order to thrive and grow… and they certainly do not have to be biologically connected.

However, there is a disheartening trend of this concept that seems to be gaining momentum. Gaining momentum is not the right phrase – “gaining acceptance” is a better way to describe it. That trend is cutting off all connection to family members, because of a fight or because something was said or done that wasn't liked.

Now before you start tossing tomatoes at my head… please understand – in my own experience I lost a parent as a young child, was raised by extended family for seasons of my life; my living parent was neglectful, and I had an emotionally and physically abusive stepparent. So, I’m not living in fantasy land or being Pollyanna about this subject.

In general people/relationships are becoming far too disposable. In the grand old days the extended family all lived under one roof or at least in the same town. The 60’s shifted focus to the nuclear family. Today the traditional family is practically extinct. “Family” has been completely redefined.

It’s becoming fashionable to disconnect from your parents or your children. Years ago I remember that Meg Ryan seemed to be the first major celebrity to talk openly about her refusal to speak to her mother, no matter the attempts her mother made to reconcile. Allegedly her mother spoke out about something in Meg's personal life... that was in fact true. Today, it’s so common for people to be “estranged” from a parent/child.

Obviously, there are many ways in which families are damaged and torn apart. Some relationships can never be and should never be repaired. But, I’m talking about relationships that were previously close and intimate, that are now broken because of some offense – not abuse or abandonment. How can this be? How can the most foundational relationship of our lives be tossed aside over a disagreement??

What happened to the parent being the parent and loving your child unconditionally? What happened to the child respecting their parent? What happened to putting the welfare of another before your own? What happened to taking responsibility for your actions? (Even if the other person is 95% in the wrong – we're still responsible for our own 5%.) What happened accepting the limitations in others? What happened to compassion? What happened to mercy? What happened to forgiveness? We are all wounded, fallen individuals. No one is perfect. We all make life-changing mistakes. How can we forgive a friend or other relative an offense, but not forgive a parent or a child a similar offense? It’s amazing that we can hold some up to a higher standard that often, we can’t even hold ourselves.

I know from personal experience that there can be forgiveness… even when you can’t forget.

It took years and hard work to restore the relationship with my neglectful parent and with my abusive stepparent. But, I chose to work at it because they are critical pieces of my life puzzle. They shaped who I am today. It is my belief that God, in His perfect wisdom, allowed these specific individuals to be my parents, and as such, there is a specific need in me that only they can fill. They are an extension of me. Granted, I had years of wondering if God had a screw loose… but I understand better now than I did then. For me, they are God’s best choice – even if at times, they made bad choices for me.

What happened to me as a child hasn't been forgotten. By forgiving I do not condone or erase their actions. I was forever changed. I may suffer the consequences of some of their actions for the rest of my life. However, I can see now, that they did the best they could within the limits of their circumstances and their own baggage. Healing has come through forgiveness. The relationships aren't what they “could have been” and aren't what I may have pictured in my mind, but they are good now and in some ways far more precious. My life is better and more at peace with them in it. I love them and they love me, we enjoy each others company, we regularly keep in touch. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am blessed.

The bottom line is, yes, by all means, “pick” your family. But if it’s within your power, don’t forget the importance of and the connection with those biologically related to you. Remember, even those you “pick” will disappoint and hurt you… nobody is perfect. We ALL deserve forgiveness - even if we can’t forget.

In Ephesians 6:1-9 the Bible says this about children and parents:

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord [as His representatives], for this is just and right. 2 Honor (esteem and value as precious) your father and your mother--this is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 THAT ALL MAY BE WELL WITH YOU AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH. 4 Fathers (and mothers), do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. (Amplified Version)

And a good reminder for ALL our relationships – those close and not so close, as well as those we don't even know: 1 Corinthian’s 13:4-8a

4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. (Amplified Version)

Will it EVER get easier!?

[Cue laugh track & stadium full of people shouting in unison] “NO!! OF. COURSE. NOT!”

As an 40-something single woman, I have been at this life thing for so long on my own. I AM BONE TIRED! I want to be done. Not with life – but with all the striving. All the pushing and fighting and struggling and figuring everything out on my own. When will the day come for me to sit back and enjoy the rewards of my work? [again, cue riotous laughter of those older and wiser] I’m obviously not the first person to pose this question.

I know I sound like a whining single person – which I am – but it is tough having to handle life on my own. I’m sure there are plenty of married people out there who want to smack me and tell me I have it made. Of course, I have God, family and friends – thank goodness for them because it truly would be impossible. However, I’m an adult and for all intents and purposes, my life rests solely on my shoulders. The good, the bad and the ugly.

The sayings are true – “the grass is always greener on the other side” and “we always want what we don’t have.” It’s true too, that there will always be others in life that appear to have no struggles at all; who seem to glide through life getting everything they have ever dreamed of; to whom everything comes easy… Naturally the lesson is, nothing is ever what it appears. And we should never compare ourselves with others because no one person is like another – no one person has the exact same journey as another. Just as I may look, with resentment, to people I think have it easy – others are looking at me the same way. There will always be those with more and those with less.

The truth is the striving will NEVER cease this side of heaven. But, the hope of heaven sure helps lighten the burden when you’re going it alone. Some days that hope is the only thing causing one foot to move in front of the other. But oh, how deeply grateful I am to God for His provision of my family and friends to walk along side – helping and encouraging me throughout the journey.

I may be bone tired and may feel alone. But I’m not. We’re all in this together, we all need each other to carry the load, to cheer, to mourn, to rally with and move forward. If you’re feeling like me, look around you and reach out – someone will be there to help.

The Extinction of Relationship?

I was flipping through Family Circle magazine the other day and came across this ad for Lee Relaxed Fit jeans. “Jeans should not be restricting, that’s what relationships are for.” That was the slogan. I have to say I was a bit stunned – especially given it was in FAMILY magazine.

Due to our fallen nature we have certainly abandoned God’s original and intended design for relationships and family. I do understand having gone through 3 divorces as a child, that life happens… things don’t work out as we plan and we have no control over others actions. There are many reasons we give (some valid, some not) as to why the original design has been altered. Though personally I desire God’s intention, we are where we are and people are people. It’s not my job to condemn, it’s to love and care.

The 60’s sexual revolution jump started the systematic obliteration of His original design by American Media. It has inch by inch introduced us to the alternate models. But this ad is another thing entirely. To me this ad exhibits malicious intent. It clearly is saying relationships are restricting. We already believe “restrictions” are bad, so this then plants the seed in our mind that if relationships are restricting – then relationships are bad. Therefore relationships should be avoided at all costs. I could go on forever about how horrendous that is.

The messages began subliminally. (Divorce, single parents, gay/lesbian, co-habitation) Then they were out-in-the-open but subtle. The alternate models eventually became required. Don’t misunderstand me, I think everyone should be included and valued because we all make up the human race. However, instead of celebrating all models, the American Media has – for lack of a better term – attacked the original model of male/female relationships and the traditional family (Dad, mom & children).

Traditional parents have been degraded to buffoons who are to be ignored and laughed at or they are eliminated all together. Male/female relationships – although still the prevalent model – are basically exhibited as abusive, crazy, or only needed for sex, and in some cases now, are ridiculed and even thought of as abnormal.

This ad is a perfect example of the agenda by the Media to not only outright condemn the original design… but persuade us to believe that life is better and happier without it. When you fight through all the smoke and mirrors, all the “jokes” and fluff… the media is encouraging the notion that people do not need other people.

IT'S SCHIZOPHRENIC!! It breaks my heart, and quite frankly, pisses me off. Not only are we fighting messages about our own self image… now we have to fight for relationships!

The ideal woman, who is airbrushed and computer altered, fills every advertising venue; the actor on screen and in the tabloids - who’s every waking hour includes personal chefs, personal trainers, hair & makeup teams, stylists, doctors, Botox, veneers, cigarettes and in many cases drugs – is celebrated, to be desired and looked up to.

On the one hand we have Oprah, Dove, those very models and actors pontificating that we need to “just be ourselves – whatever that looks like.” As well as an overflowing amount of books, talk shows, TV shows, movements, even a Senator who insists “it takes a village” touting the message of community, togetherness, connecting, giving to others.

On the other hand we have all Media telling us relationships are bad (and if we don’t look like the model on the cover the magazine, we’re worthless). Not to mention, most of the above, say one thing, but live the opposite. In their personal lives, they are supporting, by example the Media’s message to abandon the traditional model of family and relationships.

In an earlier blog, I talked about the Harlow study, “Love in Infant Monkeys”. Without other people around us – we will develop disturbing and abnormal behaviors. The bottom line, people, is DON’T LISTEN TO THE LIES! God knew what He was doing when He created the original model. Relationships are GOOD.

Lee Jeans…you are lying! Relationships are NOT restrictive!! Relationship bring safety and nourishment to thrive!!

EARTHQUAKE!!

WOW! We had an earthquake on Tuesday!! By the end of the day it went from a 5.8 to a 5.4 and those in the know called it "moderate." But boy, did we feel it!

I've been in SoCal for 12 years and this was the second, but worst one I've experienced. Thank God, no damage - not even a toppled book or bottle during either. "They" all keep saying we're way overdue for the "Big One!" YIKES!!

It's a very weird feeling... not really a shaking like you'd think. Sometimes it's a rolling feeling - like balancing on a board on a ball. Tuesday felt more like being in a boat on really choppy water... rocking and bumping. A few people got motion sickness. It only lasts a matter of seconds but it feels much longer and you're left feeling unsettled for quiet awhile.

I don't want to think about the "Big One" coming. Of late it's been a heavy concern of mine, has put my nerves on edge. Certainly the devastation an earthquake causes is never wanted. Quite shallowly and selfishly though, I don't want the Big One to hit because I've finally, after all these years, gotten my apartment set up the way I want and I LOVE IT. I know we can't hold onto material things but at the same time you certainly don't want to loose everything you've worked so hard for. I know, I know... I'm being silly.

I realize nowhere is ever completely safe from natural disaster or other destruction. With tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, blizzards, tsunami's, landslides... even fires - we are all due at sometime. No one is immune as many across our country are well aware. My heart goes out to them. The heartache and the knowledge of all the work ahead to rebuild is overwhelming. It's been a tough season for America the past several years, weather wise.

These events remind us that this life is truly a vapor and our material things are barely a stitch on the tapestries of our lives. We need to keep our focus off ourselves and onto the bigger picture. (It is unfortunate that often times it takes devastation to get our attention.)

And yet... quiet often the best of human nature is exhibited during tough times. It does remind us of what is truly important. It does force us to step out of our own little world and think of others. True community and long lasting friendships are built from experiencing tragedy together. Kindness, care and concern for your neighbor is displayed. "Love In Action" is in full force! Good can be found in even the worst of circumstances... and you know, all the material things are easily replaced.

Connecting?

I like to think of myself as technically savvy. I’ve started this blog and, yes, believe it or not, I’ve created a MySpace page and a Facebook page… But as I look around me, I’m so behind the times!

Today there is an endless stream of opportunities to “connect” with family, friends, co-workers, the community… even the WORLD! And not only can you connect 24/7 but you can do it instantaneously. We can even SEE each other, thanks to video chat. It’s truly amazing and fantastic! Finally we have the means and interest level to branch out and turn our focus to life beyond our own borders. It’s exciting to see young people connecting with people in other countries, becoming friends and learning about each others cultures. The impact is far reaching and amazing.

As a rookie who barely knows how to use these pages, even I’m thrilled to be able to connect with my nieces in Florida and see what they’re doing, who their friends are, how they look, what they’re interested in… It’s great to connect with old friends I’ve not talked to since college… etc. etc.

However, with every great advancement comes “side effects.” The negative impact of which may take years to manifest. I guess in a way, it’s a basic law of creation – there is an opposite of everything: positive/negative; light/dark; good/evil. More often than not, you can’t have one without the other. Depending on your view, that can be a good thing or bad thing. That being said, with all the good this hyper-connection allows us I wonder… are we REALLY connecting?

Certainly we are on a basic level, but we’re doing it hidden away in our homes or offices. We’re not connecting with our senses – touch, smell, sight, hearing, and even taste. We miss the nuances of the voice, the facial expression, gestures, and the non-verbal communication when we’re not physically present while interacting with others. All of which add the corporeal dimension of a story or conversation… all of which bring LIFE.

I’m a solitary type - I enjoy being alone, doing my own thing. But I do need people. I do need physical interaction. Remember the 1959 Harlow study “Love in Infant Monkeys?” Those monkeys who were isolated from the others and without physical contact were fundamentally damaged and exhibited “disturbing behaviors.” The overwhelming conclusion? All living species NEED other like-living species to survive and function properly.

So again, for all the good, the internet, texting, IMing, Facebook and MySpace bring… in the long run, what will be the result? More and more we are isolating ourselves from basic human interaction. Today you can live – and live well – without ever leaving your home. In 10 – 20 years time, will we all develop “disturbing behavior” and be fundamentally damaged because we’ve unintentionally separated ourselves from other human contact?

"Moderation In all things" is a very wise philosophy. As we all enjoy and engage in connecting electronically, let's be diligent about getting out AMONGST the masses. Rub some elbows... give and get some hugs. Share a meal, throw a party... Just spend physical time interacting with people!

The Blahs

It's funny how you can feel “blah” when nothing much is going on in life. No big excitement. No big crisis. All is mundane… mediocre… regular. Everything is fine, but it’s still blah. If life is not a manic / depressive rollercoaster, we are apathetic and lethargic as if life were meaningless. WHY is that?

Why can’t we manage to enjoy contentment? In our Über-everything culture (instant this, fast-paced-heart-pounding that, have the best, look the best, be the best, celeb-obsessed) it’s no wonder we don’t know how to handle being content. We’ve forgotten what it looks like, what it feels like.

Contentment is on the brink of extinction – it is systematically being deleted from our vocabulary. There seems to be no such thing as “stopping to smell the roses” any longer. There’s no time to sit back, relax and enjoy life for fear we’ll lose something or miss the next big thing. So when the “blahs” hit, you’re sucked into the big black abyss and life is over. We have simply forgotten how make our minds and bodies STOP.

The Bible defines contentment as a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be. It is opposed to envy, avarice, ambition, anxiety, and repining. It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude and benignity of divine providence, the greatness of the divine promises, and our own unworthiness; as well as from the view the gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter.

Wow – that’s kind of scary! Certainly seems impossible. Has anyone achieved that?

Paul did. Paul fully grasped contentment and yet, one thing he did was to forget what lay behind, reached forward to what was ahead… and he continued to press on toward the goal. Again – WOW! If Paul can do it, then surely we have the ability to do it too.

I’m in the midst of the black abyss of blahs at the moment. I’ve been here many times before. And even with Paul’s words of encouragement and the definitions of contentment, I don’t have a quick fix to “snap out of it.” Focusing on all the blessings in my life is probably a good place to start. (From the largest blessings like family, friends, and work to the smallest - a good song, a scoop of Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream or a Starbucks Grande Mocha.)

Eventually I will manage to banish the blahs to a distant land. God is kind that way…allowing us our blah seasons. Maybe I should train myself to change my thinking and actually enjoy these “contented” times… There’s no crisis – that’s a great thing! There are no huge events or happenings swallowing up all my time and energy – another great thing! The blah-times do provide a chance to stop and smell the roses, notice the beautiful summer sunsets and enjoy the warm breeze.

Hmmm… maybe things aren’t so blah after all.

FYI: Definition of contentment: The state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind. Satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else. Ready to accept or acquiesce; willing. Desiring no more or no less than what one has; satisfied.

Going for the Best!

Pretty Woman told us to always go for the “best.” However, even with the pursuit of “living our best life;” grabbing the brass ring and our declared right to pursue life, liberty and happiness… the “Best” repeatedly eludes us. We believe our options are often limited in all aspects of our lives. So we settle. We vacillate between refusing to take less than the best and “picking the lesser of two evils.” We blame our circumstances; we blame “the man;” we even blame God when we discover that the “best” is hard to achieve. Or there’s a catch or negative consequence. If we’re lucky to get the best, it can be hard to maintain.

Yet more often than not WE are the ones to blame. We eliminate the best options available to us.

Acts 1:14-26 is the account of Peter and the Apostles choosing Matthias as Judas Iscariot’s replacement. Because of what Jesus had told them, it seemed to make perfect logical sense that a replacement was needed. After all, it’s not 11 Apostles – it’s 12. Peter took it upon himself to establish some criteria for the job of “Apostle” and picked 2 men out of the group as adequate choices – Matthias and Barsabbas. Once the two were chosen they prayed about it and asked God to confirm one of the candidates through the casting of lots. Matthias was the guy.

No one will know for sure who will be that 12th Apostle this side of Heaven. But many agree, as do I, that God had another man in mind for the job… Paul.

Looking at these verses again it struck me that Peter put God in a box. Because of his limited thinking – although perfectly logical and rational – he assumed that something had to be done right then. (We all know what “assume” means.) They established the rules, they chose the candidates and made God pick. Again, their actions made perfect sense. But, they didn’t see the whole picture. Their thinking was in fact limited. They didn’t know what God had planned concerning Paul.

I'm sure Matthias was a great guy, fully qualified for the job. Church history said he was influential for the kingdom and God did approve Him. However, he is NEVER mentioned again in God’s Word. Yet, God’s choice for Judas’ replacement - Paul - brought Christ to the Gentiles. Paul wrote the majority of the New Testament. Paul established churches all across the known world at that time. Seriously – where would we be if God didn’t call Paul?? It’s unthinkable.

How often do I limit God? I’m an intelligent, capable, rational and logical person. I’m a good problem solver. I know how to get things done in an efficient and successful manner. How often do I assess a situation, come up with a couple of options, and then present them to God to pick? I think because I give Him a selection that means I’m truly allowing “God’s will to be done.” But like Peter and the others, I don’t even have an inkling of the big picture. When I look at God's choice, Paul, he was infinitely beyond every other possibility. He was the absolute, hands down best choice. Far beyond what we could ever hope or imagine. THAT is what God wants to provide for us.

Why then do we continually limit God’s best? Why do we continually think we need to force God to answer?

Sure, Matthias was good… did a lot. And at the time Paul was known for killing Christians. Even if he was converted, I’m sure if Peter knew Paul was the guy – he’d have said “NO WAY!” It’s the same with many of our choices. They can be perfectly acceptable, good even. And considering the alternatives we would not choose, we too, would say “NO WAY.” But, oh… imagine our life if we allowed God to provide us with Paul’s instead of Matthias’.

It was humbling and frankly distressing to be reminded that more often than not, I put God in a box. It's painful to realize that I am the one who often hinders me from receiving the best for my life. I'm not a masochist, for Pete’s sake, my intentions are good. Even when looking at a situation where I believe I have no choice; I guess there always IS a choice. It’s just a matter of WHOSE choice I am willing to take… Whose choice I’m willing to WAIT for.

Psalm 27:14
Wait on the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.

Psalm 33:20
Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.

Psalm 147:11
The Lord favors those who wait for Him, those who wait for His lovingkindness.

Lamenations 3:24
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.