Over 40 & Single. WHY?

For as long as I can remember, my heart’s desire is to be married. I’m now slightly over 40… and… single. WHY?!!

For over 20 years I’ve been asking that question. Screaming that question. In my bed at night. On my knees. From the mountain tops & valleys. Through anger. Through tears. I’ve discussed the issue with family & friends; with mentors & wise counsel; with co-workers and even strangers. Everyone has advice - a thought, a prayer, a suggestion on “how to get out there,” and always an encouraging word.

The very sad reality is I am not alone. Of my own small group of friends, EIGHT of them are intelligent, attractive, capable, loving, funny, giving, active Christian women who are over 35 and want to be married. Along with me, these women can’t even get a date! Sure we all have our baggage, but so does everyone else on the planet. Why are so many of us still unmarried?

We’ve all gone through the “Single-Gal-Phases” many times over: The Pathetic Desperate Phase: where we do everything, including wearing a sign on our foreheads. The Completely Unapproachable Phase: where we’re truly not interested in a relationship and love being single. The Learning-to-Love-Ourselves-So-We-Can-Love-Others Phase: where we work on getting rid of our baggage, so we’ll be the best partner to our future husband. The Confident & Flirty Phase. The I’m-A-Troll-No-One-Would-Want-Me Phase. We've read all the books. We’ve tried church, clubs, activities, conferences, retreats, volunteering, and online dating. As a result we’ve also gone through the 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). And yet... we are still alone.

My desire for children is gone, so I know that if God was truly calling me to be single, He would remove the desire for a husband too. Believe you me; I’ve been begging Him for years to do so. One friend of mine knew from the moment she accepted Christ into her heart, she was to be single and has never had even a shadow of doubt for the past 40 years. God is not cruel, He is not purposely withholding His plan from us. He tells us in His word that, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12) He wants the best for me.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about this from a spiritual perspective. The Bible is clear from Genesis to Revelation - God calls us to relationship. Relationship with Him, with others and with a spouse. He designed His entire creation to be in marriage with one another. Women would not have even been created if He thought Adam was perfect alone. And He didn’t create another man to be Adam’s buddy, He created Eve to be his mate. Sure, there are a few specific exceptions to the rule. Paul was single– and he made a very legitimate argument for remaining single. However, SINGLENESS IS THE EXCEPTION NOT THE RULE.

So if being single is NOT normal; not God’s intended design then why are so many Christians single? Here’s a radical thought…

More and more people are single because of the enemy of our souls!

Satan is our enemy. Everything God created and put in to place – he has the opposite version – the “anti” version. He’s anti-Christ… He’s anti-life; anti-morals; anti-freedom; anti-family… and he’s anti-marriage. As Christians, the battle for our souls is lost, we belong to Christ. So what does he do instead? He prowls around crushing our dreams, keeping us dissatisfied and disappointed in life and God… rendering us ineffective.

In America and all over the world we are bombarded constantly to remain single! As women, we’ve come to believe that men really serve no purpose for us. We can take care of ourselves – we can make money; we can be powerful and self-sufficient; we can be the heads of our own households; we can have sex with no strings; we can even have children without a man. GO GIRL POWER! And if we actually want a relationship – we certainly don’t need to get married!!! As a matter of fact, marriage ruins relationships! Women lose their power in relationships so being single is the ideal! Besides, monogamy isn’t natural. And I’m just talking about the Christian community!

Bad things happen to good people because we live in a fallen world. Matthew 5:45b says “for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” Although, I am a single woman over 40 and long to be married, the reality is I may never get married because of the enemy’s successful destruction of what God intended.

This realization helps me understand why I’m single, but it doesn’t bring peace… it pisses me off! As Christians, we have let the enemy infiltrate our own thinking. We have not paid attention. We have not fought the good fight in this area. We have allowed ourselves to be deceived and as a result overtaken. We have not been good stewards of the gifts God gave us. And because of this, my precious friends and I are collateral damage.

Dear Lord, wake us up from our slumber. Cause us to burn with righteous anger and fight against what You did not design. Times are only getting worse, so help us fortify your body, to change things for the next generation so they will be stronger and better protected. And if it be your will, fulfill the desires of our hearts, even still. Amen

Who Matters?

Got this email "reminder" today from a good friend... It's spot on.

There comes a point in your life when you realize -

who matters...

who never did...

who won't anymore...

and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past -

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Take the time today to acknowledge everyone you don't want to lose

with a note, a call, a hug, even spend time if possible…

...
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle in their own life, too.

Lonely River

Lonely river
You meander like a road

Stretching out into the great unknown

With solitary movement

You're compelled and you're enthralled

As though you're answering a distant call

Lonely river

Is there a place you're running to

Or is it something that you're running from

Is it hope that keeps you going

Is it faith that makes you strong

Lonely river, lonely river, running on

Lonely river

In the stillness of the night

Your restless nature keeps you raging on

Changing courses

Shallow waters, tangent streams

Lonely river, do you wonder what it means

Lonely river

I think I am a lot like you

Winding on in hopes to find the sea

And flooded by uncertainties

The current can be strong

But drifting towards our destinies

The arm of God is long

And I believe that through this journey

'Til we're finally home

Lonely river

We will never run alone

Written/Composed by: Wayne Kirkpatrick, Michael W. Smith

Vimrod 5-7-08

Obama? McCain? Who knows? (REVISED)

November 5th will change the course of our future in this country.

Before I begin, I must confess, that shamefully, I am a completely irresponsible citizen. I don’t pay attention to politics, I only vote in presidential elections and even then tend to vote conservative because, I don’t bother to find out what the candidates stand for. In all honesty, I’m overwhelmed by politics. It’s so ugly and self-serving that I'm ticked off more than encouraged to learn or participate. Sad, disgraceful, ungrateful, unpatriotic and self-centered of me, I know. Obama/McCain – who am I supposed to support?

Whether we like them or we don’t… it takes a person with far bigger cojones, stamina and thick skin to run for President (much less make it to office) than ANY of us have, who bitch & moan about them. Apart from the actual job of dealing with national and world issues - they have to endure worldwide ridicule, scrutiny, slander, ripping to shreds, verbal castration and more every waking moment of every day. Not to mention having to work with the members of Congress. No matter who you are – as President – you will have a huge group of people who absolutely hate your guts and would prefer you were shot. Talk about the epitome of “can’t please all of the people all of the time.” No wonder every President ages 100 years while in office.

What an amazing country! We are free to yell, protest, lobby and even work to affect the change we want. We get to VOTE for the people we want to represent us. How sad that year after year a large percentage of people do not vote, and yet feel entitled to complain. I’m sick to death of people who are so adamantly disrespectful and rude. People who spew hatred all over everyone they encounter everywhere they go… who claim “XX is not MY President.” If you feel that strongly about something then get off your butt and run for office and see if YOU get elected!! I believe things would go a lot more smoothly and we’d actually get some good things accomplished if we’d all just SHUT UP, roll up our sleeves and try to work together.

When 9/11 happened and Katrina hit New Orleans, everyone jumped in to help - Democrats/Republicans, atheists/ believers, black/white, rich/poor – and are still helping. Stuff simply needed to get done – from picking up trash and schlepping through human waste to rebuilding and planning for the future. It’s back-breaking work that will continue for years to come. There are times of huge advancement and due to mistakes, times of regression. But it somehow gets done and it will get done – no matter how long it takes, because everyday people from all walks of life are committed.

The same principles apply to government. Sure, we may not like who gets voted to be Captain of the Team. However, once elected, he/she is running the show. We need to just do the work together. We need to figure out how to make stuff happen – starting with schlepping through the excrement and working up to planning for the future. Slinging blame keeps us spinning in circles.

With a strong solid foundation, any architect can build any style home. It can be remodeled or torn down and something completely new can be built in its place. That is beauty of what our Founding Fathers (Divinely led) established for us. They built a solid foundation. Part of that foundation was the wisdom to only allow an architect 8 years max to create. Obviously, some houses are far better built than others.

You many be thinking I'm naive or simple-minded; that I'm not considering the seriousness of our issues and maybe I am. However, I am well aware that there are fundamental moral issues that will NEVER be resolved. For the follower of Christ, there are some that we can NEVER compromise on. I understand too, that no matter what anyone says, a person's moral and foundational beliefs will ALWAYS affect their approach to everything in life.

I'm talking of the "other" things... the practical, house-cleaning things. When you clear away the arrogant need to be right, all the pomp & circumstance – I think tackling some of our problems is as simple as “just doing it” and playing nice in the sandbox. (revised)

For the first time, I actually watched something political – the Saddleback Church Civil Forum. Up to that telecast, I’ve not paid attention to a single speech or interview. Again, ignorant and irresponsible of me, I know. I was extremely skeptical and afraid that, as usual, tough questions would not be asked, issues would be glossed over, and as a Christian – core concerns would not be presented. I was pleasantly surprised. Rick Warren did an excellent job. I felt Rick and the candidates too, were gracious and candid; there wasn’t too much agenda pushing. (They ARE politicians, after all.) The candidates are very different, but I was extremely impressed with both of them.

I’m still uncertain of whom to vote for, but after watching the Civil Forum, I feel motivated to buckle down and pay attention in the coming months so that I can feel truly confident and proud to exercise my right to VOTE in November.

No matter the outcome - my prayer is that all of us, who call America home, can lower out pointing fingers and screaming voices and realize that at our core, WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM - TEAM USA - we all want this country to be a great place to live and we want it to function well. The beauty and blessing of this country is our freedom to have opposite opinions, beliefs and ways of doing things. We need to stop screaming at each other long enough to see what things we CAN tackle together and just do it! There will always be "believers" and "non-believers" this side of heaven. And so, we need each other and our opposing views to create something amazing and unique - when, where and as much as we can... for the good of this country. (revised)

Bottom line – no matter the fear or confidence; helplessness or motivation to act; anger or peace you feel… whatever emotions this pending election stirs up in you… pay attention, learn about what issues are important to you and whether Obama or McCain best represent those issues.

Then come November 5^th… GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!!